One Long Haze Of Sadness

I'll be honest, I'm not entirely at ease here in ACJC. For starters, I don't feel at accepted into my OG, plain and simple. I can say something, and not be heard, or be interrupted mid-way by someone else. Is it my fault? Possibly, probably... You start to realize something is wrong when the girl who arrived in just yesterday fits in better than you do.

I was actually writing a song about the OG. I scrapped it. No one seemed to like it. I know what an "Okay..." or a "Right..." in a certain tone means.

It's like the picture's been taken, and I didn't happened to be in it. Bryant says it'll all fall into place. It has, just that I'm not there either. I could vanish mid-way through something, and they wouldn't notice.

I could pass out somewhere and collapse, and half of the OG wouldn't notice.

And guess what? They didn't. I did pass out. In the middle of the campfire in the hall. One more migraine attack, another to add to my list.

Aside from David, and the other guy who pulled me up and dragged me out of the hall to find help. Couldn't see the other guy through my daze, so I'm sorry if can't give you due credit.

I told them that the flashing lights in the dark and the noise triggered it, which was partially true. My attacks get triggered by a few other reasons, when I'm extremely upset/angry for one.

This is what happened. Marshall, our resident joker, had been dragged onto stage by yours truly after much egging on from everyone else, where we promptly made jackasses of ourselves. Then came something that I felt I really could strut with : Whose Line Is It Anyway?

Right up my alley. I watched the show of the same name so many times, Scenes From a Hat so many times. So I grab Marshall and tell him "Let's go and redeem ourselves mate!".

At that point, Serene tells me to sit down. Then the pause before her next sentence. I always recognize that pause. It's the one you take when you think about how to tell a person to just plain get lost in the nicest way possible without sounding really nasty.

"Sit down, give someone else a chance," she said. Fair enough. In the same breath she joins the rest in encouraging Marshall to get back onto the stage.

At that point, I just had it.

All the times I've been told "Could you move please, I want to stand next to *insert name here*".



All the times I was ignored or cut off mid-sentence.



All the times I got passed over in the games.



All the times I had to shunt my way to the back, because I made a conversational dead-zone with my mere presence.

Helped along by all the damned cheering and lights, my head and eye caught fire and exploded. Someone said "Is he crying?" after awhile. I might have been, for a short time. Then David and someone else hauled me out to get help.

I remember being put into a chair and a kind teacher looking after me and calling my mum, praying for me in between. And I didn't even catch his name. The rest was a haze of pain until about 930, according to the teacher.

The last painful slap? I missed the dances. I missed the dances. The one part of the whole thing I could honestly say I enjoyed and looked forward to.

Oh, I tried to get back in. I even told the teacher I was okay enough to go back in. I didn't dare to push it too far, in case he thought I was faking it. He eventually let me go back into the hall to watch. Perhaps I shouldn't have gone back in, because all I achieved was getting my head throbbing again, and seeing what I was missing.

Serena and Arthas (My OGL's) turned up after a while, along with Rachel and someone who possibly looked like Priscilla to help locate my bag so I could leave. Once they did, I staggered out with the teacher supported by two other OGL's who I also didn't catch the names of, and into my mum's car.

I know it's only a week. I know some things take time to happen. I'm just upset because these things happened, sans one Cheng Heng, a name some of them can't remember even now.

Serena, Arthas, Amanda, I know you three tried. That's one thing I'll give this school credit for, people will truly put their hearts and souls into everything they try.

I'm sorry if I feel like this, if I sound unappreciative, I know I must. I know, odds are it's my fault in some way, but really, all I can do is sigh wistfully when I look back at what happened.