"Silent Running" and "Ninja" Perks

First off, thanks for dropping by here Ollyvia, I'm glad you like the scarf! Hope you enjoy yourself in Michigan!

Yes... it appears I have someone how acquired both these Fallout 3 perks in AC, among other things... Put simply I can move into and out of many things (etc lecture theatres, classrooms, unwanted CIP events) without anyone seemingly noticing. For laughs, I've even tried breaking into the Performing Arts Centre or whatever they call it here, but no one came to make it interesting and I got bored since the only room that wasn't locked was the sound room or something, it was so dark I couldn't tell...

A regular Moist Von Lipwig I've become, it seems, I've become hard to notice all of a sudden. Of course, while this pseudo-invisibility is fun at times, it appears my Control Key is broken. That means I'm stuck in this mode till I get a new keyboard for my life. It also means that no one notices me till I do something that pisses them off. Appears to be true in many cases...

Anyway, off that depressing topic and onto...well, a potentially more depressing topic, the rugby team. While I did play during the 114-0 pwning of HCJC, I've injured Prentice pretty badly during training, and while he's trying to be nice about it, I know he's just really, really angry about it, and with me. Isa appears to be mad at me for some reason as well.

Why?

Because I don't try hard enough during training?

The immensely long time I am taking to remember basic manouvers?

Because I don't seem enthusiastic at training?

Because I'm too quiet during training?

Given the high standards here, I'm probably guilty of the first, I'm definitely guilty of the second, but I'll be very upset if it's the last two. I don't say anything at training because I simply don't feel I'm in a position to. Everyone else plays better than me, I have nothing to offer in advice skill-wise, I'm faring worse during all the fitness sessions, I don't feel I should really be encouraging if I'm at the back end, I've always felt that it's the coaches discretion when it comes to deciding who plays, so I don't request to be fielded... What can I do but keep quiet?

Quiet...I seem to have silenced myself since coming here...No one appears to hear me anyway, so why bother, I tell myself. Irony of it all is, when I went back to CJC, one of the first things my friends there noticed was that I became "more outgoing."

The irony...

CJC...It was so good to be back. To go back to where I can see a familiar face everywhere, people I can hold a conversation with, people who won't rudely disappear halfway through when I'm talking. I don't have to raise my voice to be heard there. I'm not forced to roam amongst the shadows because I feel unwanted there.

Going back there, I was really, truly at ease for the first time in a long time. I didn't have to worry if people could hear me, I could laugh without sounding fake, I could really smile without forcing myself to, I could forget I totally screwed myself up in AC and just be happy to be amongst friends would even noticed I was there.

I just wanted to cry when I went back. I've done a lot of crying since arriving here. Corryn, Hong Kong, the list goes on...

Ah what the hell, the first step to solving a problem is to admit there is a problem.

The dream is dead.

My class doesn't care about me, and I don't care about them.

The team doesn't appear to need or want me around.

I find it hard going without the recognition I had back then.

The SJI cadre here consists mostly of people I was never very close to, and everyone else seems to have assimilated easily here, I don't want to weigh them down.

I'm sick and tired of being constantly on guard not to lose my temper or break down.

I'm feeling miserable here, plain and simple.

There's just one thing that keeps me going. And I'll lose that too, if I break down and give up. Duty-bound.